Giving up alcohol.(it's worth a shot)

Oh boy I'm tired. I've been run ragged with work and with Bob being really unwell. It's like I'm nursing 24 hours a day. I'm feeling I'm not catching a break and I've no longer got my crutch to support me with this stuff! I'm getting exhausted. There's been tears. It's the first time I've really missed booze since I stopped drinking. In a way I'm glad though, that I really miss it. Because if I felt that I didn't miss it I'd be thinking my drink problem wasn't that bad. "Hey maybe one will  be OK after all... " And that would just lead to all sorts of fuckwittery wouldn't it!🙄 I don't feel I'm craving alcohol but I do feel I'm pining for it, like the Norwegian Blue 🦜 pines for the fjords.  Maybe that's craving?  I'm still having PSI each Tuesday morning and in a couple of weeks I'm going on an Intuitive Thinking course which I believe is very intensive therapy which will give me the skil...

 So yesterday I was able to put my very new CBT training to use in what could only be described as a day of what the fuckery.   Picture the scene:  A pleasant drive to a city to seek out a specific place, with a view to visit specific place.  Fill the car up with 15 quids worth of petrol. That'll get me there and back easy. I've got 20 quid. Be reet that.  Won't need a car charger as I'll only be using the sat nav on my phone there and part the way back.  Won't need my bank card or anything, it's just a quick trip to a city,  its an hour there and an hour back.   Easy. WRONG!!! Roadworks meet Satnav,Satnav meet Roadworks.    "Your destination is on your left" No it's bloody not because I'm on a bloody dual carriage way and located to my bloody left is a bloody wall!! Because there's bloody Roadworks everywhere! Not to mention the one way system on top of the bloody roadworks! 1 hour and 45 minutes of going round and round and r...

 So an update of the journey so far.  The naltrexone side effects do appear to be wearing off, and I've downgraded from feeling like rancid bog eyed camel crap  with an anger problem to feeling like nauseated bog eyed camel crap with a crying problem. So that's progress! And what the hell is with the sugar cravings? Stop eating sweets,Holstead! It's not like you're not diabetic.  Daft sod.  I'm still sober so that's good.  Had my first check up from the neck up session yesterday and that was  interesting.  Main change is that I'm going to bed far far far earlier than I ever have.  I guess because I've nothing to stay up for  (booze).  Also I've started financially healing and adulting. So much so that I've just noticed my billing account was hacked back in May and I've only just seen random amounts being taken out from Amazon over the past 5 months.  🙈 I've been on the phone to the fraud squad and got it all paid back.  I...

 So of course my side effects to Naltrexone have begun and as predicted they're dog shite.  Naltrexone is an opioid antagonist used primarily in the treatment of substance misuse (drugs and alcohol) So, when you drink there's a receptor in your brain and it is activated by the alcohol and it's this receptor  which makes it pleasurable; it's what gives is that nice warm feeling of wellbeing and euphoria, and is what turns some of us (well, me) to use alcohol as a crutch in life.  Naltrexone locates and eventually shuts down that receptor and literally sucks the physical enjoyment out of drinking.  Might as well drink dog pee for the good it'll do. And with such brain altering drugs comes some proper bollock side effects; mood disorder,nausea,lethargy,and gastro issues.  I took similar antagonist meds to stop smoking so I know what I'm going to go through. The mood disorder and the nausea were the worst and I'm dreading going through it all again. I feel so g...

 So I've started taking this medication today.   Naltrexone works by targeting the pleasure receptors in the brain which make drinking pleasurable.  This appears to work similarly to Champix for smoking. They worked really well for me, I've not smoked in 5 and half years.  So I guess if I relapsed, I'd not drink eleventy one bottles of Brandy again. If there's no pleasure in summat, I won't do it.   So this, along with the PSI, the diet and the exercising appears to be a winning formula 🤞 Reading the side effects, I see that irritability and mood swings rate highly.  So just like any other day then 😊 I was shocking with the Champix side effects so I'll apologise in advance to everyone😁 ✌

 So today I was in contact with Georgia, my designated recovery worker. It was really nice.  We chatted for about an hour.   We talked about the 3 D's. Delay  Distract Decide  This is what I am to do if I get the urge to go to the offy. . I need to delay the thought process involved in the decision to have a drink.  Can do that numerous ways and I'll blog this as I learn this. 🥰 We talked about listing the advantages of drinking v the advantages of not.  This is what I came up with: 1: I like the taste 2: I like the warm feeling as I neck that first drink 3:I feel better about myself Disadvantages: 1: It's contributed to a mental health decline  2:it's contributed to a physical health decline  3: it's chuffing expensive to maintain a 5 bottle a week habit! 4: drinking home alone like Billy no mates  5:a sense of a loss of control 6:a sense of worthlessness  That's what we got initially in the phone call. So the cons outweigh t...

 So I'm now 7 days sober. Before I talk about how I feel about that,  I need to talk about yesterday.  I went to the pub for my sister's gender reveal party. Huge success on the gender reveal/ get everyone to pelt the soon to be Mum and Dad with paint filled water balloons.  What's not to like! What I didn't like was the smell of booze around me.  I lie I did like the smell, I didn't like not being able to drink it.  I had a diet coke. Woo. And then my sis offered me alcohol free wine, and I had an alcohol free beer.  And it was nice. I felt more comfortable with the alcohol free beer than I did with the diet coke.  But this comes down to thinking drinking doesn't it? Replacing alcohol with pretend alcohol? is that a good thing when you're aiming for abstinence? That being said when I was vegetarian for 28 years I replaced meat with pretend meat.  I think for 7 days abstinent, I'm putting myself under a lot of unnecessary pressure.  Did ...

 Oh boy, today I've been thinking.  And no good can come from me thinking.  A part of me is telling me to have that one last sesh on the sauce.  Like I'm trying to convince myself that it's a reward for going abstinent.  "Hey Shaz,  you'll never drink again,  might as well bow out on a high!" I mean come on, Shaz brain.  I've never needed an excuse before to drink but here you are, giving me an excuse! How daft is that. "I want a drink because I'm going to be abstinent ". That's just like when a relationship ends and you convince yourself you need that one last bonk.  And you find that you didn't need it after all, and you've bumped uglies with someone you don't want to be with. So yeah I've been wondering things today. I've not drank for 5 days.  Am I abstinent now? Have I to wait for the meds and the Psychological intervention to start? Should I drink so the tablets work? See, when I took Champix for smoking, I had t...

My relationship with alcohol is the longest of my life.   43 years.  I'm 48.  My first drink(which was one of my first childhood memories) was a glass of sherry aged 5 , given by my Nan . The glass , its still in existence,  measures at least 50ml .  On the side is written "For Mad Boozers" How prophetic! My next memory of alcohol is aged 12, going to my Nans every Friday night, where we both drank a 70cl bottle of Sodap Cyprus sherry each, whilst playing "stop the bus'(card game) and listening to Umberto on Picaddily Radio.  Forward to aged 26 and by then I was drinking 2 litre bottles of QC Cream sherry on a daily basis. As I've progressed in my career, I've changed my choice of drink.  I replaced sherry with neat spirits around 15 years ago.   I don't like spirits and fizzy drinks.  Rum and coke?yuk! So I chose spirits to drink neat.  Whiskey, Brandy,  Captain Morgan spiced rum..  I ended up with Brandy as my drink...