Slowly turning a corner

I'm on the road to abstinence finally.

Physically I've been working towards it the past few weeks but the important thing to me is being mentally in the zone. I can't and will never be abstinent if the old grey matter isn't with me on the ride.  

But it's been so fking hard. I am by no means over Pepe, I was working on getting used to life without Bob but then Pepe and then I've had a recent incident with death which I've not really disclosed on here but to be fair,has fking traumatised me for quite a while.  

I just feel like death is bloody following me around like it did in the film Final Destination and it's been hard to snap out of it. 

I need to cut myself some slack, I know I do. There'll always be an excuse to drink if I give myself an excuse. 

And whilst that seems harsh given the losses I've accrued,  my alcoholic brain hasn't half used it as an excuse to play havoc. 

I've decided mentally that enough is enough otherwise I'll be going back to square one of relapse. 

And I know that my psyche is in tune with me as I've started.... dramatic drumroll, CLEANING AND ENJOYING IT!!!! A classic sign I'm on the mend from the grog.  Granted  could clean more but Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Grief wise I'm not there yet.  I'm at the crying every day stage still, I just have had a bit too much death the past 2 years.  I am so lonely. 

It's hit harder being in the house on my own and that fed into the relapse. I know that given all that's gone on for me the past 2 years, there's an expectation to drink,as that's what our society suggestss as a coping mechanism. "You've had a shock, have a brandy".

But in addiction there's a fine line between coping mechanism and need. 

I will always feel the need to drink unhealthy amounts of alcohol because I'm alcoholic. I'm not physically addicted, this  we established. Psychological dependence on alcohol is as real and as damaging though. 

Does my addiction define me? I don't think so.  I'm not like some  superhero: ALCOHOLIC GIRL: MISTRESS OF OFF LICENSES. *throws empty gin bottles at the enemy. Should trademark this moniker before Marvel see it 😊 

My addiction is an important part of me as it's always going to be there and it's been with me for decades.

Anyway bit of a waffle isn't it!

My plan is to chase up my referral and I've been advised to look at Narcotics Anonymous as it's very supportive to those addicted to alcohol as well. 

More on this story as it unfolds 😊xx

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