The end of a 43 year relationship

My relationship with alcohol is the longest of my life.  

43 years. 

I'm 48. 

My first drink(which was one of my first childhood memories) was a glass of sherry aged 5 , given by my Nan . The glass , its still in existence,  measures at least 50ml .  On the side is written "For Mad Boozers"

How prophetic!

My next memory of alcohol is aged 12, going to my Nans every Friday night, where we both drank a 70cl bottle of Sodap Cyprus sherry each, whilst playing "stop the bus'(card game) and listening to Umberto on Picaddily Radio. 

Forward to aged 26 and by then I was drinking 2 litre bottles of QC Cream sherry on a daily basis.

As I've progressed in my career, I've changed my choice of drink.  I replaced sherry with neat spirits around 15 years ago.   I don't like spirits and fizzy drinks.  Rum and coke?yuk!

So I chose spirits to drink neat.  Whiskey, Brandy,  Captain Morgan spiced rum.. 

I ended up with Brandy as my drink of choice  as I developed a taste for expensive single malt Whiskey which my budget couldn't afford ( I ended up sending £320 a month on Brandy though and thought that was acceptable)

I've laboured under the misapprehension that I can control my drinking  I've done the for years.  I've realised that the only thing I control with my drinking, is the bank card which I use to pay for it with.  

Yet, and this is the part I struggle with(as did the Consultant at my last assessment), I can drink 5 bottle of neat brandy a week and wake up in the morning and have a brew.  No shakes,  withdrawals or anything. I'm a medical mystery.! But there's new research emerging to show drinking is learned behaviour. That would certainly apply to me! Thanks Nan 😍

My health took a dip this year, it had to catch up with me. Continued to bang the weight on, many other physical issues. 

Had a mental blip in the end

But it was enough to get me to admit I needed to stop drinking

I knocked Brandy on the head and changed to gin as I hate neat gin. 

Tried pink gin though, liked neat pink gin, drank neat pink gin. Stopped pink gin. Tempting bastid .

For 2 +months I weaned my alcohol intake from 5 bottles of Brandy a week to half a bottle of gin a week. 

Then I just stopped 

Staying stopped though. That's the thing. Doesn't work for me. It's a toxic relationship I have. 

So through the NHS and my matron at work, I've been afforded the right support and medication needed to abstain. 

My feelings? I'm so upset that I can't be what's classed as normal. I've spent many days crying about this. I feel I'm going to be grieving a relationship, and I guess that's right .  

I'm worried about who I'll be, when I'm abstinent. 

I'm worried about coping without alcohol 

I'm worried about holidays in the future 

But .

To a quote Freddie Mercury: I want to break free. 

You're all welcome along for the ride 🥰

Peace ✌