Pity Party

 I'm struggling. 

I'm so upset with myself that I can't be (what society deems)normal. I can't hold a cocktail up to a camera and smile on a night out and know that it won't graduate to 3 bottles of wine and a bottle of gin . Because it always will.  

I can't just go for an after work drink as it'll end in a bottle of gin. It always will. 

I'm struggling with altering changed behaviour and I'm failing. 

I'm utterly miserable in life at the moment. I'm not failing  but I'm down.

I just don't like abstinence ( fucking hate it.  But I can't control my drink no matter what)

Since I cried myself to sleep new years eve, I've not stopped thinking of my relationship with booze.

I don't beat myself up about it but I know it won't take much to get me back on the 5 bottles of Brandy a week ifI'm not careful and I've not had Brandy since I began my reduction and turned to gin and that's at least last June. 

The naltrexone works to stop me wanting a drink but it doesn't stop the learned behaviour of Holstead dealing with stress and triggers. That's down to me. 

And I can't do it right now

So from tomorrow the learned behaviour demon is kicked to the kerb. Whether I like it or not.

I'm starting Disulfiram (Antabuse) and that is one badass tablet. 

Absolutely no alcohol

And that includes hand gel 

And spray deodorant 

And tomato sauce 


Had it before 12 years ago and I know how toxic and fatal it can be

But also next week I've more therapy, Mind Matters which is a CBT and Coping strategy course. 

And that is what I need.  

I'm not a failure.  I'm just in recovery. 

Comments

  1. Emily W4 February 2022 at 18:42

    Hang in there. I'm proud of you and just a phone call away at any hour. I wish I lived closer. I'm beyond proud of you and when things get tough, I think.. Shaz is doing something much harder and I get my shit in line. You are so strong. I'm here.. I'm cheering and I sending my love. ❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete

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