Shitshow

If the past 36 hours were an ice cream flavour, it'd be (to quote Wayne's World) Praline and Dick. 
What a fucking sack of stressful shite. 

To clarify the situation, I worked on a ward I had never worked before, in a building I FUCKING HATE and a genre of nursing which only a select few are capable of nursing in, and a genre I cannot nurse in, a genre which I have very limited experience in and one I actively avoid because I FUCKING HATE IT. 

So I spent 8 hours terrified. 8 fucking hours. 

And not terrified of the patients, I need to add. Terrified of fucking up because I'm inexperienced in a place such as this. Of making the wrong decision and someone gets hurt because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing because I don't have enough experience! 

8 fucking hours feeling scared and overwhelmed and stressed. 
I was literally aching when I got home as I had been so tense. 

And what did I do when I got home? I did what every other person does when they're stressed. 
I poured a glass of wine!

Now, granted, it was alco free chardonnay, and had literally been in the fridge weeks. 
But I still poured that glass. And drank it. And felt a tad better somehow. 

And THAT is a fuck up of massive proportions!!

Because that is what I used to do when I did drink. All the time. I revisited an old habit and I should not have. 
I've been massively upset about this today. 

There's 2 trains of thought on this:
Am I upset because I poured that glass/thinking drinking? YES!
Am I upset because deep down its reminded me that I can't do this with normal wine like normal people? YES!

I swear its been a shit show of negative emotions. 

One good thing to come from this, and only one (the fact it was alcohol free wine I had is not a good thing)  is that I identified the trigger early on, literally the moment I thought about pouring the wine. 

Stress will always be in my life at some stage, but for example if I was to have a bad day at the office and everything, it would be okay because I'm stressed in an environment I know, in a job I'm experienced in!  Much less of a trigger. 

So what I've done is responded to an email from a very very high up manager, who had thanked me for helping out and if I needed any support with dealing with anything, just ask.

So I've emailed her back and said I need the support. 

And I do, not ashamed to admit it. 

Alcoholics are selfish people, we need to be to get what we want! Its time to be selfish in recovery and protect myself. 

And that's about it up to now.. 
How are you? 

xxx

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