Suvivors guilt

 So back in the early days of recovery last year,  I attended some relapse prevention sessions. 

Also attending was a childhood schoolfriend. 

Initially we supported each other in those early weeks, he had a blip and I went to his flat to chat and try to work things through

But it was apparent that for him at that moment in time,recovery wasn't to be,whereas whilst I was struggling with abstinence, I was succeeding at it.

Because I knew it was all or nothing for me, as this was my 3rd time with the Alcohol team, I had to make the decision to back off.

It was doing me harm to be around the smell of alcohol, the slurred words which came with it.

Whilst I didn't turn my back,  I didn't go back round to see him.  Occasional "you okay" in the Facebook messengers but pretty much that was that 

Yesterday I found out he died last week,and died alone.

The emotions have really overwhelmed me, sadness and mainly guilt. 

I feel dreadful that he fell whereas I flourished with sobriety. I feel like some smug dickhead because I'm alive and in recovery and an overwhelming sense of sadness at the fact he didn't make it.

I spoke to my compadres at SMART recovery,  my friend there has lost 3 friends due to addiction.

He said whilst it's sad,  it has to serve as a powerful reminder at what damage addiction can do and why it's imperative to stay living the sober life. 

He is of course right, but I do feel shady using a friends death as some kind of weird fucking Bullseye prize " Here's what you could have won!". Because that's what it feel like. 

I feel tremendously sad about this. Its new territory, and it seems,as highlighted by my friend at SMART, that it won't be the last time it happens either.

Fuck addiction🖕  


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