Bastard bollocks ( revisited)

 I'm fuming, tired,in pain and discombobulated. 

I have not had a good day this day and to quote Monty Python: I didn't want to be a nurse!I wanted to be a Lumberjack. 

Rough day.  Lots of negative emotion felt this day.  

I've been absolutely run ragged, which can be part of the job of course,but its much harder to stomach when you're a fat recovering alkie with arthritic knees and, going off my ankle right now, arthritic ankle as well. 

Sometimes its hard to grin and bear it. Although it does become an art form in nursing. 

And although in the previous blog,I talked about catastrophising small situations to give the addictive brain a reason to crave, today has literally just been a genuine rough day. The alkie brain is like " Oh! You havent exagerrated things like you usually do! " 

So of course thoughts of booze and off licenses emerged and to be fair that pissed me off as it just added to the day.  I spent a large part of the day muttering " not enough booze in the world"

Self preservation though. That came into play and after work I went to my friend's house. I had to pick somthing up but she's one of my self designated safe spaces. The kind to get you in a head lock if you even look at a bottle of grog.

Anyway I ranted about how I was fewwwwwming for a while,had a coffee and drove home. Still feeling nowty but much less " I'M GOING TO QUIT MY JOB AND RUN AWAY FROM HOME!" .

Also called in on my aunty and walked the dog and I actually got home 3 and half hours later than planned BUT i was too knackered to contemplate going to the off license. And then I've decided to write this blog.

Not the greatest of options to take to avoid the booze as I'm manky and in paaaain. Apart from writing the blog.

But I'm manky and in paaaain with a brew and not a bottle of gin. 


I do want to be a lunberjack though. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Its still worth a shot

So I'm going to kick-start this blog off from the moment I disclosed the relapse. I'm leaving up the other posts as a time line of my past success, evidence sobriety does happen and for me, a reminder of the struggle and reward that comes with abstinence because that's the goal I've set. As an addict in relapse, I've been lucky to have so much love and support from friends near and far and family,for this I'm grateful because I have seen all too often the loneliness of addiction.  What I've found quite common when I relapse is that friends/family have been upset that I didn't tell them personally I relapsed. I think it's important to explain this from my point of view.  My not telling my nearest and dearest doesn't diminish my feelings for these people. Addiction and Relapse makes me feel extremely vulnerable so I just prefer to let everyone know at the same time that I'm a ridiculous drunk.  I don't want to go person to person to admit m...
Read more

Little bit narky

Not been a good day today.  I've been a right wassock. Very sensitive and very vocal in my grievances.  A bit OTT if I say so myself. Bit aggy.  In truth I've been a messy pillarc. But I do understand why.  This was talked about when I attended  Intuitive Recovery in the past.  It focuses on the addictive part of the brain.Its classed as an " animal brain" because it lacks control and functions only on need(in my case alcohol) The thought process behind this, is that the other,stronger part of the brain is the human element , which should override the basic animal part of the brain.  Should. . So anyway, when you decide to get sober,, that part of the brain which has always enjoyed addiction, goes into a panic mode. Because deep down, you( as in both parts of the brain) know it's going to end.  It's a very weird psychological response. Some say it's like a "fight or flight " response. I liken it to Kubler Ross' 5 stages of grief. Anger,denial...
Read more

Slowly turning a corner

I'm on the road to abstinence finally. Physically I've been working towards it the past few weeks but the important thing to me is being mentally in the zone. I can't and will never be abstinent if the old grey matter isn't with me on the ride.   But it's been so fking hard. I am by no means over Pepe, I was working on getting used to life without Bob but then Pepe and then I've had a recent incident with death which I've not really disclosed on here but to be fair,has fking traumatised me for quite a while.   I just feel like death is bloody following me around like it did in the film Final Destination and it's been hard to snap out of it.  I need to cut myself some slack, I know I do. There'll always be an excuse to drink if I give myself an excuse.  And whilst that seems harsh given the losses I've accrued,  my alcoholic brain hasn't half used it as an excuse to play havoc.  I've decided mentally that enough is enough otherwise I'l...
Read more